[Seomideum's Book Talk] Jina-Young Ji: "The Power of a 60-Second Hug... Helping Children Find Their Own Way"

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[Asia Economy Reporter Seo Mideum] “At least this much should be done for our child.”

This is the sentiment of most Korean parents. The joy of birth lasts only briefly, and on the spirit of sacrifice that their life is over for 20 years, they devote their own lives. Parents essentially live their child’s life on their behalf and guide them along the optimal path. They consider “the chance to fail” a luxury. They are so busy trying to fit their child into an above-average ideal talent profile that they move swiftly. Because joy lies in achieving goals, they are always anxious. Since goals are endless, both the guiding parents and the following children suffer equally. As they pioneer their child’s future based on their own past and present experiences, life becomes overwhelming and difficult. Consequently, parenting becomes an extremely difficult mission to accomplish, filled with self-blame and inferiority complex.

Jina Young Ji, a professor of pediatric psychiatry at Johns Hopkins, points out the drawbacks of this “exam-oriented parenting” and advocates for “essential parenting” where both parents and children can be happy. Growing up almost “neglected” under parents who were busy working due to financial hardship but receiving deeper trust and passionate love than anyone else, she shares parenting education methods that establish a child’s value and self-esteem correctly. We met Professor Ji, author of the bestseller “The Easiest Essential Parenting in the World” (21st Century Books), which remains in the top ranks.

- Your book is ranked among bestsellers. Why do you think it is gaining attention?

▲Many people are exhausted from parenting. They feel, “This isn’t right, this isn’t right,” yet live anxiously and work hard. Amid that, when I say essential parenting is not difficult, people show interest. Running the YouTube channel “Dr. Ji Hago” for two years and seeing successful cases also seems to have contributed.

- Having lived in the U.S. for 20 years and observed both Korean and American education systems, how do you compare Korean education?

▲There is a big difference in diversity. Children each have different potentials in terms of diversity. Elephants, crocodiles, and monkeys are all different, so how would it be to fairly test them all on tree climbing? It is almost impossible for fish to climb trees, but parents train them to climb trees somehow. Society takes this as natural. Then the child thinks, “I’m stupid,” and the parent thinks, “I educated wrongly,” falling into self-blame and guilt. This is why some experience depression and even suicidal impulses.

- Autonomy is also pointed out as a problem. It is not uncommon for parents to decide their child’s school, workplace, and even marriage.

▲The ultimate goal of parents raising children is to make them autonomous and independent adults. If they cannot become independent, parenting is a failure no matter how hard you try. Even in their late 30s, many cannot marry due to parental opposition. Korean parents’ sacrifices for their children are among the world’s greatest, but if the direction is wrong, it harms everyone’s mental health. Building a belief foundation in the child that “I am a truly valuable person” must come first.

- You emphasized absolute intrinsic value. How can it be established?

▲I suggest the 20-second hug method. Hug for 20 seconds while saying words of love and recognition. “OO, I always love you unconditionally,” “I love you not because you do well but just for who you are.” This releases serotonin (the happiness hormone) and oxytocin (the love hormone) for both parent and child. That’s all. This is why I say parenting is easy. Parenting is not difficult. Raising children is like cooking rice. You put rice (children) with various flavors (potentials) into a rice cooker and adjust the water and heat well. There is no need to open it midway. Believing it will become delicious rice is important.

- In fact, people are very fatigued by too many parenting books.

▲Most existing parenting books advise, “Do this in this situation, do that in that situation.” Parents memorize them like an encyclopedia. It is hard to apply and feels like adding more burden to parenting. But essential parenting is not difficult. Hug in the morning and evening, and if the child dislikes hugs, gently stroke their back.

- There is a saying that children do not turn out as one wishes.

▲Recently, I told my mother that if I had children, I think I would raise them well, and she said, “Children are not born to be raised well but to be loved.” Parents just need to give infinite love. Finding the path is the child’s responsibility.

- What kind of parents did you have? Were they role models for your teachings?

▲I grew up very freely in my childhood. My parents left early in the morning and came home late at night, so I spent a lot of time alone. I have ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and caused many accidents (laughs). Still, when my mother came home late at night, she adored me very much. Even if I messed up the house, she was glad I played inside without causing trouble outside. In a way, both my mother and I were a bit unusual (laughs).

- You advised parents to be helpers, not trainers.

▲Ultimately, finding the path is the child’s own responsibility. What parents can do is give infinite love and value education. Values learned in childhood become the values of society later. Society lacks values because there was no value education. Teach and discipline according to four values: value, honesty, sincerity, and contribution.

- You advised to “think on a global stage.” What does that mean and how should one prepare?

▲When I talk about essential parenting in Korea, many say it “does not fit Korea.” They say it is too idealistic. But more people are going abroad now than before, and even more will in the future. Is it right for parents to teach children who will live in the future by the standards of the past and present? Saying “We will raise you according to Korean circumstances, so live like that” limits possibilities. When children live proactively, the world can be their stage.

- You said that changing thinking changes culture, and only then can systems change. You advised becoming an early adopter of proactive thinking.

▲It is a simple but not easy answer. Everyone could do essential parenting, but they cannot because of anxiety. Because the neighbor’s mother makes them anxious. But if essential parenting becomes mainstream and makes the neighbor’s mother anxious, the situation will reverse. If only 16% are early adopters of essential parenting, a tipping point can come. Essential parenting is inevitable. I only try to bring that time forward. Some say one book cannot change a country and suggest going into politics, but thinking must change before laws. Thinking changes culture, and culture changes society.

- Lastly, what would you say to parents?

▲Essential parenting shows the foundation of one’s own life. Then the child can pioneer their own life. You don’t have to live your child’s life for them. Parenting is not originally difficult. You can be happy even now.

Author Professor Jina Young Ji

After graduating from Daegu Catholic University School of Medicine, she passed the U.S. medical licensing exam with top scores. She worked at Harvard Medical School’s Brain Imaging Research Center and completed psychiatry residency and pediatric psychiatry fellowship at the University of North Carolina School of Medicine. She then joined the pediatric psychiatry faculty at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. Despite battling intractable autonomic nervous system disorder and chronic fatigue syndrome, she continues her roles as a physician and professor by leveraging her ADHD traits.

This content was produced with the assistance of AI translation services.