[Current & Culture] People with Writer's Syndrome

Published 18 Feb.2022 09:10(KST)

One day, a close friend told me, “Minseop, I think you have writer’s syndrome.” At that time, I was going through a very busy period. In the morning, I was at school; at lunch, I attended a book club; and in the evening, I met readers at the library. Before COVID-19 arrived, I counted that I had such meetings about 230 times in a year. My friend said that because I mentioned that after my evening schedule ended, I had to eat something alone before I could go home. He said he had heard that celebrities don’t go home right after big events but spend time with people they worked with until dawn, and asked, “What are you, a celebrity?”

At that time, I think I actually showed signs of that syndrome. In my life, I had rarely been invited by anyone. I usually ate with seniors and juniors I saw every day and occasionally met friends. Then, when I met people who invited me as a writer, it was incredibly touching and exciting. I never asked for a speaking fee; I just thanked them for inviting me and for reading my book. Among them were people who had read my book. I didn’t know them, but they knew me and waited with sparkling eyes. I was given a full two hours. No matter what I said, there were people who listened kindly to my words. Afterward, they came to me, said they enjoyed the book, and got my autograph on the copies they brought. The organizer said, “It was a really good lecture.”

As a result, I developed some bad habits. I became convinced that I was someone who created valuable stories and that everyone would listen to me, or even love me. Once, something like this happened. At a funeral for a high school senior’s father, I ended up giving a lecture to a stranger. Before I realized it, I had been talking for over 10 minutes. I apologized and ended the talk, but it must have been quite awkward for that person. It was around this time that I needed to eat something after evening lectures before I could go home. After passing through that special time and entering the most familiar space, an inexplicable hunger came over me. It was not easy to protect myself in a time when everyone was doting on me.

When I talk with other writers, I often hear, “Ah, when I say this in class, everyone understands...” No, that’s because only people who have decided to love you come there. “Everyone says my lectures are great...” No, that’s because they invited you.

Not only writers but anyone who needs to be read and loved to live must paradoxically live reality fiercely and imagine deeply. Only those who constantly reflect on whether they have any illness deserve to be loved. Whether an influencer on social media, a YouTuber with a moderate number of subscribers, or a politician with a support base, it’s the same for everyone. I don’t think I’m completely cured, but still, I want to live well, loving those who love me, but without taking it for granted.