[Senior Trend] The Words of a Kkondae and Kind Words

How to Listen and How to Speak: Everything About Relationships

January is a special month. At the start of the new year, everyone sets their own goals, such as quitting smoking or exercising, even without being told to do so. How about setting a goal to improve communication skills as you begin 2023? Words carry thoughts and emotions and form the foundation for building good relationships. It seems like a good starting point for creating a happy third act in the lives of active seniors.

According to a 2018 Retirement Preparedness Index published by a financial institution's retirement research center, the average score for Koreans was in the 50s. This method involves individuals evaluating their own financial execution, health execution, activity execution, and relationship execution scores. Among these four categories, the relationship execution score was particularly low, reaching a risky level. This was attributed to insufficient planning for leisure time after retirement and a lack of effort in communication within various relationships.

Seniors experience significant changes in interpersonal relationships around their 60s. Although there are individual differences, generally, the range of relationships narrows with age. Social and economic roles shrink, and social status and roles change. First, relationships with colleagues, which were mostly task-oriented and spent together for most of the day, decrease or are severed upon retirement. Unfamiliar changes in relationships, such as divorce or bereavement, also occur. Time with family members such as spouses, children, and parents increases sharply and becomes closer. Interactions with acquaintances and friends may develop voluntarily or may not continue.

At this time, communication for interaction with others becomes even more important. Good communication requires listening and acknowledgment. Nodding and giving verbal affirmations help form empathy and continue conversations and relationships. Unfortunately, the speech style of the senior generation often falls somewhere between conversation and lecturing. Recently, in content called the ‘Kkondae-eo World Cup,’ a close contest was held among the ‘answer-already-decided’ type who insists there is only one correct answer, the authoritative ‘top-down’ type, and the ‘all-knowing’ type who says “I’ve done it myself.” It shows that younger generations find it difficult to communicate with middle-aged and older generations.

In the movie Everything Everywhere All At Once, actress Yang Ja-kyung plays a character who is both a parent and a child. ‘She is her father’s, and her daughter is her mother’s’ who longs for support and acknowledgment. From an observer’s perspective, it seems she loves her child. However, outwardly, there is no greater enemy. She frequently utters hurtful words. Although the bitter words are meant to be helpful out of a desire for the other’s well-being, the intensity causes the sincerity to disappear, leaving only pain. The speech style learned by Yang Ja-kyung’s father and grandparents has been passed down through generations, deepening the bitterness. Even in narratives resolving conflicts, the phrase ‘I love you’ might have been said, but it is expressed more gently as ‘I want to be with you no matter what the situation is.’

Conversation consists of speaking and listening. When it is difficult to talk with someone, there is one book I always refer to: Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC). According to him, moralistic judgments that label people who behave differently from our standards as bad lead to words and actions that hurt both ourselves and others. Words that force what we want are called ‘a way of communicating that alienates others’ lives.’ The purpose of nonviolent communication is to form human relationships based on honesty and empathy, ultimately fulfilling everyone’s needs. It is about what we want to ask from each other to enrich our lives. It avoids vague and abstract words and uses ‘positive behavioral language’ by stating what we want rather than what we don’t want. The specific actionable guidelines are worth referring to.

The longer we live, the more important money, health, and relationships become. Especially, the better the relationship with family, the higher the life satisfaction. The theme of the 21st century is diversity and coexistence, but it is still difficult for anyone to accept others as they are and acknowledge each person’s way. The deeper the interest or affection, the more difficult it is. However, the person who builds relationships is oneself. Positive language is necessary. Let’s completely put aside comparative words.

In the era of longevity, intergenerational conflicts are intensifying, and late-life divorces are increasing. Happy homes are generally happy for similar reasons, while unhappy homes each have their own misfortunes. It is cold outside. We don’t know what kind of day the other person has had, but we can all offer a kind word or a gentle phrase. Changing our words to be warmer is not a loss.

The heart resides in an invisible realm. It can only be revealed through words and actions. The good news is that we can always choose how to communicate.

Lee Boram, CEO of Third Age

This content was produced with the assistance of AI translation services.