[One Sip of a Book] Are You Struggling Because You Can Feel the Other Person's Tone and Facial Expressions Too Well?

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Clients who visit the author's psychological counseling room commonly complain that they “think too much.” Usually, one thought leads to another, chaining endlessly, and they quickly pick up on subtle changes in tone or facial expressions, leaving them constantly exhausted. The author refers to this type as 'mentally overactive individuals,' saying they make up about 15?30% of the total population. These people are creative, affectionate, and have sharp insight, but conversely, they are sometimes labeled as chronic complainers, 엄근진 (strict, serious, stern), or attention seekers. They overly empathize with others' worries and expect others to confide all their difficult feelings to them. They also dislike light conversations and tend to bring up excessively heavy topics every time, such as life and death. The author introduces 'savvy ways to live in the world' to such people, including the fact that intimacy without boundaries can be toxic and that trivial chit-chat can relieve anxiety and bring new joy.

Clients who come to me mostly complain that they “think too much.” They share common traits: very sensitive, rebellious, and socially lacking. On the other hand, they are creative, empathetic, and affectionate. They are also kind to others but are often criticized for being overly emotional, overly concerned with others' affairs, or for inciting others. They are frequently treated as ‘people living in a fairy tale,’ and their kindness is equated with foolishness, their hypersensitivity with fragility. (Omitted) ‘Mentally overactive individuals’ simply refer to people whose minds are overheated and complicated. ‘Normal thinkers’ merely means their way of thinking aligns with general rules. In contrast, mentally overactive individuals clearly do not fit this rule system. They stick out everywhere!

Mentally overactive individuals express difficulty in understanding and digesting these implicit rule systems, i.e., social codes. They often feel discomfort, awkwardness, and alienation from others but cannot clearly identify why. However, they can fully sense when they make mistakes or make others uncomfortable or awkward. It is truly tiring and disheartening. - p.11?13

Chapter 1: The Reason for Meaningless Conversations

Mentally overactive individuals dislike harmless but meaningless conversations, so they tend to bring up ‘excessively heavy’ topics. In their minds, they want to have ‘real’ conversations about the end of life, the environment, corruption among elites, and so on. But from the perspective of guests who came to enjoy a relaxed barbecue, a person who gets excited alone over serious topics is just annoying.

In my case, I know that if someone asks about my job first and I answer too straightforwardly, the atmosphere freezes for the entire gathering. This is because the conversation continues with stories about people who exploit others’ sympathy for their own benefit, i.e., psychological manipulators, and the misfortunes they cause. The gathering turns into a time where I provide free counseling to all guests. Everyone knows at least one psychological manipulator who eats away at their life. In the end, I end up working at a place I came to have fun! It took me some time to understand why this happens. Now, when asked, I subtly avoid the question and change the subject. “Ah, I don’t want to think about work tonight! I came to relax and let everything go.” A friend who works in accounting told me, “Just say you do accounting! Then no one will be curious anymore!” Well, I haven’t tried that yet. - p.29?30

Chapter 2: Are Problems Meant to Be Solved?

This pattern is clearly observed within companies. Departments without problems are treated as a gathering of slackers. Departments that carry a bundle of problems and seem to be working hard to solve them are said to be serious and hardworking. This is why each department wants to appear buried under problems and piles of work. And this is also why they must not desperately try to solve problems! Because once a problem is solved, they will create another to maintain that state. The fact that you are creating problems will eventually be revealed and is not productive. People like problems but dislike those who create problems. So they keep their own problems inside and stir up trouble around them. - p.57

You should know how tiring idealism is, which dreams of a perfect world without problems. Persistent pursuit and repulsion, constant criticism are never well received by normal thinkers. They accept that the world is imperfect and always full of problems. So it is understandable that they demand not to be involved in those problems. Sometimes, the alternatives suggested by mentally overactive individuals seem unrealistic and ridiculous because they require too much time, energy, and cost. Zero risk does not exist. Shockingly, sometimes waiting for a bridge to collapse and rebuilding it entirely is the best option. In other cases, hidden political and financial goals outweigh the group's interests. That’s human affairs. Indeed, Einstein was right: “The reason the world is full of problems is that problems have irreplaceable social functions.”

In fact, the belief that problems can be solved forgets the law of increasing entropy. According to physical laws, iron rusts, wood rots, coffee cools. Nothing is created, nothing disappears. Everything changes. Problems may not exist to be solved but to be buried under more important problems! Life has been like this for millions of years. - p.68?69

Chapter 3: Monkeys Fighting Over Imaginary Bananas

About 45,000 years ago, the so-called ‘cognitive revolution’ occurred. Humans began to think abstractly. Humans think in concepts, predict outcomes, form hypotheses, connect causes and effects, and imagine various developments. Thus, humans became the only animals that can fight over bananas that do not exist. Since then, they have mentally secluded themselves in increasingly abstract worlds without rest. Observe people arguing over baseless hypotheses for a moment. Predicting the outcome of a soccer match, cabinet reshuffles yet to be announced, heated debates over election results before candidate lists are even out... They are the same old monkeys fighting over imaginary bananas.

Unfortunately, what abstract and predictive abilities taught humans was that they are fragile and will inevitably die someday. So humans became tremendous cowards. In the vast brain filled with abstract thoughts, fear swelled and eroded creativity. - p.74?75

Chapter 4: Facing or Avoiding Anxiety

Sometimes your natural kindness is interpreted in the opposite way and makes you more disliked. Stay alert and restrain your desire to comfort others. Do not make death a topic of conversation with just anyone. For some people, death is truly a taboo word.

Gislen told me, “After talking with you, I understood a lot. After counseling, I had a long phone call with a friend. We chatted pleasantly about various things, and just before hanging up, I mentioned that my beloved uncle had passed away. My friend seemed embarrassed upon hearing that. She offered the usual condolences and quickly ended the call. In the past, I would have assumed her reaction meant she didn’t understand me and felt hurt. But this time, I understood that my friend was uncomfortable talking about death.” - p.114?115

Chapter 5: Some Topics Are Untouchable

How can you tell if you have touched one of the founding myths of a group’s story? You can tell if your conversation partner loses reason and reacts angrily. They will recite the same obvious stories like a cult member chanting prayers. How many times have you experienced that? Now that you understand the mechanism, you can avoid provoking your opponent’s aggression by refuting or pointing out contradictions in the group’s story. Aggressive reactions are a signal that you should not persist! Normal thinkers understand this well. To remain within the group’s story, above all, you must not break that story. You can criticize a little. Criticism is part of the time-killing chatter. But there is a line you must not cross. - p.161?162

Chapter 6: Life Is a Giant Monopoly Board

You are likely to get involved in troublesome matters because of your strong sense of justice and emphasis on truth. You probably heard these sayings a lot as a child: “Not everything true is good to say.” “People prefer sweet lies to bitter truths.” Proverbs warn you not to forget the risks that come with telling the truth. But mentally overactive individuals cannot keep silent and too often fall into the trap of truth.

Client Marielen revealed the mechanism of this trap to me. She explained, “I am sensitive to people’s nonverbal communication. So I usually know when someone lies. For example, if someone says our curtains are really nice when they don’t mean it, I immediately notice. It bothers me when someone lies pretending to like something they don’t. It’s better to say that it doesn’t quite match their interior taste. Everyone has different tastes, so it’s understandable, and honesty is rather likable. But conversely, since others also notice nonverbal communication, if I say something I don’t mean, they will know. So I tell the truth honestly, thinking about their feelings.” I concluded, “You ended up bluntly saying the curtains are ugly to avoid hurting their feelings with a lie!” We laughed together, but this is the real trap of unspoken truth. - p.219?220

Chapter 7: Practicing Boundaryless Human Kindness

Have you ever bitterly confided, “When something difficult happens, coworkers always come to me. But once it’s over, they immediately run away”? So, what happened to this person? Normal thinkers do not like to open up their inner feelings. So if they did, it means it was really hard. You took that opportunity to hear all sorts of stories. Now that person fears you because you know too much about them. Because of your kind of midwifery, and because they think they showed their bottom. Moreover, you already know a lot about them and try to get them to open up again. The immediate intimacy that mentally overactive individuals rush toward is fleeting and bothersome to normal thinkers. So next time this happens, be more cautious and relaxed, and don’t cling. Thank them for trusting and confiding in you, and keep what they said a secret between the two of you. Then they will feel relieved and be less awkward when they meet you later. - p.253?254

Chapter 8: Living Between Misunderstanding and Understanding

Many authors point out the chronic depression of mentally overactive individuals and say that being too sharp-minded is also a form of unhappiness. They say we complain all the time! In my view, such misunderstandings arise because mentally overactive individuals bravely face existential anxiety. Normal thinkers dislike this and say it’s because of a gloomy nature. They criticize why they confront death anxiety, the meaning of life, and such things head-on. But this judgment is seriously wrong. Facing existential anxiety courageously is a much healthier mental attitude than avoiding it. (Omitted) Emotional roller coasters are a specialty of mentally overactive individuals. But normal thinkers equate a healthy mental state with stable and even moods. That is the problem. They set their own standards for what is acceptable and judge those who exceed it as problematic. - p.272?273

Whenever I recall the negative reactions and poor treatment you have caused during counseling, I have repeatedly seen your genuine surprise. Whether consciously or unconsciously, mentally overactive individuals may like conflict. Each of you probably has a bit of Cyrano, a misanthrope, and Don Quixote inside. Like these characters, you do not bend until you break. Thirsting for truth, perfectionism, and integrity, you act like a steel rod and do not compromise with the code of voluntary submission. Yes, you are the kind of person who stands and takes bullets that could be avoided by kneeling. But you have no intention of provoking others. You just lack constructive feedback to understand where you went wrong. - p.284

Why Do I Live So Exhaustingly | Written by Christel Petitcollin | Translated by Lee Sejin | Bookie | 312 pages | 18,000 KRW

This content was produced with the assistance of AI translation services.