[Book Sip] Living with Mom as a Single 50s

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Having candidly portrayed single life in her 40s with "What’s wrong with living alone? As long as it’s good, that’s enough," the author now shares the scenes inside and outside the home as she lives with her 80-year-old mother in her 50s. She firmly voices her thoughts on aging as a single person and society’s view of middle-aged singles. She calmly faces the changes in herself?aches that come one by one, declining stamina, increasing gray hair?and reveals the process of accepting aging.

When talking about being single, some people blame single women for the low birthrate problem. But now, even when women have children, they are criticized. They are told to give birth 'properly' and 'normally.' Choosing to be single or to have children while single should be respected as much as choosing to marry. There are countless ways of living in the world, and each person and family has their own circumstances and stories. Against this backdrop, people choose marriage or singleness. The same goes for childbirth. Therefore, no one has the right to judge others as right or wrong, normal or abnormal. - p.24~25

After turning forty, I often met women like me who 'naturally' took on the role of protector for their parents. We had a more meaningful commonality beyond being 'daughters.' Coincidentally, almost all of us, including myself, were 'single.' One friend quit her job and moved to Gangneung to care for her elderly father who was alone. Although she had an older married brother and sister, she was the unmarried one who went because her father was reluctant to come to Seoul. Another junior took her mother, who was in the early stages of dementia, from her hometown to her own home and cared for her alone, standing in for her married older sisters. When I asked, "Will you be okay?" their answers were similar: "We have no choice. At least I’m single, so my situation is better." - p.58~59

I want to live like Daisuke and Hanako from Forms of Family. I want to live close to my brother as a neighbor, and if I meet a partner to be with, I’d rather live alone than cohabit, but 'together.' The partner doesn’t have to be the opposite sex. It could be a friend who can come and go without burden and care for each other. Fortunately, the 'myth' that only family members related by blood must live together, that when a man and woman meet they must enter the institution of marriage, and that couples must sleep in the same bed even if they fight, is gradually expanding. I hope the forms of family continue to diversify. Just as there is no right answer in life, there is no right answer in the forms of life or family. - p.87~88

As I grow older, I’ve started to notice the lines drawn using 'age' as an excuse. These lines were not so visible before. Even as we age, we want to travel and dance. Getting older doesn’t erase the desire to have fun. There probably isn’t an old person who wants to become a forgotten elder guarding the back room. Even if they have to use a wheelchair and others have to take care of them, the desire to go out together is similar. - p.124~125

I, too, am going through the aging process with various illnesses following one after another. This is why I no longer have the patience to endlessly listen to my mother’s repeated complaints. Yet, on the other hand, even though I’m only in my fifties and already in pain, I suddenly wonder how much more pain my mother, who is over eighty, must be in. At times like that, as I mentioned earlier, I switch back to being the devoted daughter no one else can match. “Mom, I’m in pain like this, so how much more pain must you be in?” - p.148~149

Many things around my mother are changing, but there is one thing she still holds onto: humor. She often spills food while eating, so I say, “There’s a rice grain and yellow croaker party under the table,” and she replies, “Leave it alone. I’m saving it for lunch later.” When someone who doesn’t know her well asks, “Where is your husband?” she cheerfully answers about my father, who passed away over thirty years ago, “He went on a long trip to Europe and liked it so much he hasn’t come back for thirty years.” - p.179

If the daughter, once worried because she didn’t marry, now lives with her mother as her caregiver and protector, that’s enough. Compared to the debt I owe my mother, that is nothing. They say love is a descending love. I have no children to love downward, so I can return the love I received back to my mother. For that, I am truly grateful. - p.202~203

Living to Our Own Rhythm | Written by Shin Yeonjae | Jaum & Moeum | 248 pages | 15,000 KRW

This content was produced with the assistance of AI translation services.