[People Met Through Books] "Don't Be Deceived by the Prejudices Within... Find Your Inner Influence"

Influence Is Not Made but Realized
Others Are More Favorable to Me Than I Think
Most People Underestimate Their Own Influence

How would you feel if a stranger suddenly complimented you? Most people would probably think they would feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. But what is the reality? According to an experiment conducted by social psychologist Vanessa Bohns, the vast majority of people who received compliments felt pleasant rather than uncomfortable. When she said to any same-gender stranger on the street, "Excuse me, your shirt looks great," respondents reported feeling ‘proud’ and ‘happy.’ In other experiments where attractive qualities were pointed out and complimented, most people expressed greater gratitude than expected.

The argument of Vanessa Bohns, author of Your Influence Is Stronger Than You Think (World History) , is simple. “People often do not realize the influence they have on others, and even when they do, they tend to underestimate it.” She emphasizes, “When expressing gratitude, people underestimate the joy the other person feels and overestimate the awkwardness.” In the same context, she also mentions the need to be careful with negative language. Words spoken without consideration, assuming the other person will just ignore them, can hurt the other person.

We asked the author, who published the book to help people realize the influence they already have but fail to notice, rather than trying to grow influence they do not possess.

Vanessa Vance Photo by Segyesa

- You said our presence has a greater influence than we realize. However, many people overlook their own influence. Why do you think that is?

▲ There are many psychological biases that prevent us from realizing the influence we have on others. Biases like the ‘invisibility cloak illusion’ make us mistakenly believe that others are not very interested in us. On the other hand, biases such as the ‘underestimation of compliance’ lead us to overestimate the likelihood that others will refuse our requests. These personal biases cause us to underestimate our influence.

- People often positively evaluate their individual abilities but tend to undervalue themselves in social evaluations where comparisons exist. Why does confidence drop?

▲ When evaluating abilities like learning skills or driving, we usually consider personal experience. The focus is on ‘myself.’ We recall how many words we know or how well we parallel park, trusting our own abilities. But for social qualities, we tend to think of comparison targets. When recalling a hip-hop party or a fancy dinner, the standard is often influencers on social networking services (SNS), not ourselves. Comparing ourselves to people who seem to define ‘social skills’ naturally makes us feel lacking. Ultimately, self-evaluation boils down to ‘Am I smart and capable enough to survive?’ and ‘Am I accepted by others?’

- You said others like us more than we think. Isn’t indifference more common?

▲ The basic reaction in reality differs from what we think. Most people believe that those who talk to them or receive their requests are unfriendly or displeased. So they think they need to take measures or make efforts to overcome such ‘natural resistance.’ But people instinctively crave others’ goodwill. Evolutionarily, forming groups is advantageous for survival. Therefore, most people respond positively to kindness and try to do good for others. However, when they start to overly worry about how much they are accepted by the group, they often forget that others react similarly.

- You also said that people with great influence, like politicians, are more likely to be influenced by the public than to influence them. You mentioned that just being their audience can exert influence without saying a word. How strong is that influence?

▲ Surprisingly, it can be very strong. Anyone standing before a crowd wants to gain the audience’s favor. If they sense the audience is bored or displeased, they may change their speech on the spot to regain attention. The important point is that they can change not only ‘words’ but also ‘hearts.’ Usually, they think the changed content is better than the original. People often think that those who speak publicly hold power, but in reality, they focus on gaining the audience’s favor, which grants more power to the audience.

- There seems to be a risk of falling into populism. It seems likely to tilt toward the majority with greater common ground.

▲ It is important to understand and immediately use the fact that simply being an audience exerts influence. We need to take responsibility for the power to change someone’s mind and make them act according to our will. We must diligently accumulate knowledge and use it wisely. Populism tends to occur when people do not recognize their influence and believe they cannot create change.

- You said more people are favorably disposed to others’ requests than expected. Rather, individuals limit their acceptance threshold for requests.

▲ Of course, excessive demands are likely to be rejected. But the important point is that the acceptance threshold is much higher than we think. While not all requests can be granted, people will agree to many more things than expected.

- What is the approximate acceptance threshold for requests? How can one increase the acceptance rate when making requests?

▲ There are two ways to increase the acceptance rate. 1. Face-to-face 2. Ask directly. We tend to think that email or text requests have similar effects to face-to-face requests, but they do not. According to our research, direct requests had an acceptance rate 34 times higher than emails. Sometimes, out of consideration, people speak indirectly rather than asking directly, but it is possible to be straightforward while maintaining politeness. It is better to clearly state what you want rather than hoping the other person understands indirect hints.

- Both the requester and the receiver are greatly influenced by ‘saving face’ or ‘embarrassment.’ People sometimes cannot refuse and even reveal secrets. Do you think such irrational situations occur easily? If so, why?

▲ Embarrassment and awkwardness have much stronger power than we think. Although embarrassment may seem trivial, it causes surprising events in daily life. Embarrassment usually occurs in situations where others seem to be ‘judging’ us. This leads to worries about being expelled from the ‘group.’ The message conveyed by embarrassment?that one failed to follow appropriate norms?is perceived as a more painful social risk than expected.

- The claim that people act first and then think in a favorable way rather than thinking first and then acting is also interesting.

▲ People feel discomfort when beliefs and attitudes do not align, called ‘cognitive dissonance.’ They try to reconcile the two somehow. Generally, people act according to their beliefs, but they can also adjust their beliefs based on their actions. For example, if you have to say ‘yes’ to something you do not want to do, you might think, ‘I really want to do this.’ This is a peculiar characteristic of human psychology that social psychologists have studied for a very long time.

- You introduced the rejection therapy method to check one’s influence but also mentioned many limitations.

▲ Rejection therapy is a kind of game where you repeatedly ask people around you for favors and get rejected. For example, asking someone on the street to dance with you or to compliment you. You will find that rejections are surprisingly rare. By observing the reactions of those who receive requests, you can confirm your influence on others. The requests do not have to be significant. Just standing somewhere or expressing a minor opinion can exert influence. However, because the influence on others is so broad, it is difficult to cover everything.

- What advice would you give about recognizing one’s influence and the proper attitude to maintain?

▲ I hope people recognize their influence immediately and exert it confidently and meaningfully. At the same time, I hope they use their influence wisely with a sense of responsibility.

This content was produced with the assistance of AI translation services.