[Seo Mideum's How About This Book] To You Who Don't Change No Matter How Many Psychology Books You Read

[Asia Economy Reporter Seo Mideum] There are two main types of people with unhealthy minds: those who excessively rely on others and those who lock their hearts away. They often believe that if they were more capable and lovable than they are now, their lives would be completely different, and they shoot arrows of blame at themselves. However, Lara E. Fielding, a psychological counselor with 15 years of experience, points out in her book The Psychology of Standing Alone that such attitudes are "mere illusions." She explains, "People do not have the ability to change others, the world, or even parts of themselves at will." She emphasizes, "The ability to distinguish between what is beyond one's control and what one can truly control is the core of psychological adulthood."

"Teacher, don't I have to become someone trustworthy first to be able to stand alone? I need to be good at something so I won't rely on others." This is what many clients have said to the author. Their commonality is the belief that the initiative for happiness lies outside themselves, leading them to constantly strive for fulfillment. The author explains the true meaning of standing alone by saying, "As long as that standard is external, the effort to become perfect never ends."

First is the distinction between what can be controlled and what cannot. If controlling the situation is impossible, it is better for mental health to control the mind. The key is that if you know how to manage your mind, standing alone becomes possible. Second is having the ability to understand and manage your own mind well. If the glasses through which you see the world are foggy, a hundred efforts are useless. However, you cannot change the glasses you were born with. In such cases, you just need to recognize that the glasses are foggy and accept the situation accordingly.

Among various pieces of advice, the practical counsel that runs through the book is this: "Do not condemn a part of yourself as your whole." Whether it is a strength or a weakness, it is only a part of you, not the entirety. Since the harmony of the whole makes you who you are, there is no need for arrogance or discouragement.

The author compares oneself to a "car" and situations to a "road." Whether you are a sports car with low ground clearance or a tall truck, that is a problem you were born with regardless of your will. As the common saying goes, "You have to live this life as it is." Sports cars boast elegant curves and high speed but may fail to climb hills due to low clearance. Trucks are the opposite. "If the car type and the road match well, you can consider yourself lucky," but "countless events are beyond our control." "It is natural to experience discomfort and unfairness in life, and it is almost impossible to avoid unpleasant emotions."

In fact, emotions themselves are not guilty. Even if you feel negative emotions, there is no need to feel guilty. You just need to recognize that such emotions arise, think about why, and check the state of the glasses you are wearing. In the past, when everyone belonged to a community, it was possible to live reasonably without proving status or ability. However, in modern society where relationships are broken and individualized, there is a constant difficulty of "always having to prove that you are a problem-free, okay person."

The author teaches the Buddhist theory of the "second arrow" to such people. The first arrow, which suddenly flies and hits you, is unavoidable, but the second arrow, which is your response, is your own judgment. The advice is not to shoot arrows of blame like "Why couldn't I dodge it?" or "Why am I like this?"

The conclusion is to accept yourself as you are. This does not mean to leave yourself alone (approval) but to cope effectively (acceptance). The author recommends that surprisingly, reading novels or listening to music is good for developing acceptance. "Just reading vocabulary activates the limbic system," and "various emotions arise richly."

Among the readers of this article, there will surely be those who say, "No matter how many psychology books I read, nothing ever changes." The author advises, "It would be great if life changed with a single awakening, but (omitted) habits change only through continuous effort," and "During the practice process, you discover things you didn't know before (omitted), and when you stop the unconscious autopilot mode, you see the peace and gratitude you had been missing every moment."

The Psychology of Standing Alone | Written by Lara E. Fielding | Translated by Lee Jimin | Maven | 288 pages | 15,000 KRW

This content was produced with the assistance of AI translation services.