[A Sip of Books] Conflicts Arise Differently with 'Adult Children' Cohabitants Compared to Before

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This is a psychology book for parents with adult children. As the number of adult children who have not become independent from their parents increases for various reasons, diverse conflicts arise. For parents, their children are no longer subjects of 'childcare,' but are still seen as beings who need much care and help. However, while children appreciate their parents' attention, they also feel rebellious, yet they cannot be completely free from various forms of assistance, which makes them feel suffocated. The author explains how to find life balance and happiness for the 'adults raising adults' who face the triple hardships of adult children who have not become independent, elderly parents, and the 'midlife crisis.' The book offers concrete methods to shift the center of life’s weight from others to oneself and maintain harmonious relationships.

This book will tell such stories. As society rapidly changes and competition intensifies, there are more preparations needed to become an independent adult. Parents who wish for their children's happiness feel anxious, thinking they have done less than others or that their children are not sufficiently prepared. However, restraining the impatience to help, treating children as adults, viewing their failures as necessary experiences, and gradually shifting the center of gravity from the child's life to one's own life are choices and the best attitudes for the future of both parents and children. Only then can children mature emotionally and become adults, and parents can live the latter half of their lives with peace of mind and satisfaction. - p.9~10, from "Introduction"

Pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott said that a 'good enough mother' is a good parent. Everyone wants to be a perfect parent, but perfect parents can hinder a child's growth. As children grow, they imagine surpassing their parents and venture outside, but perfect parents feel like an insurmountable wall, causing children to remain complacent under their parents' shadow. Since parents provide answers to all life questions and problems, children cannot make decisions alone or develop a responsible attitude.

For a child to grow into an independent adult, it is important to create an environment where the child can have 'a sense of security' as they grow and come to see the world as a trustworthy place. A sense of security is the feeling that even if parents are not physically present, they are always reliably supporting the child. It is the belief that if the child falls, the parents will catch them so they won’t get seriously hurt, that parents will hold their hand and help them up. A child who has acquired a sense of security can withstand frustration and failure without collapsing and can get back up again. - p.24~26, from "'Being in the womb is the best time' really resonates"

The psychology behind parents stepping forward as if it were their own business for their children's success includes worries that children will be unhappy if they fall behind, anxieties that their own lives will fail in competition, and fears that their old age might become miserable. These feelings do not disappear even after children become adults over twenty years old. The hope for admission to a better university leads to hopes for employment at a large company. Parents support their children in building credentials such as internships at good companies, working holidays, language study abroad, obtaining certifications, or winning contests. Although parents could watch their children navigate life on their own despite some anxiety, it is very difficult to keep distance. This is because they have long hoped their desires would be realized through their children.

Intellectually, they think, 'Now that they are grown, they must live their own lives,' but emotionally, desires and cravings cling tightly, preventing them from acting as they think. The frustration that comes when the pursuit of desire combined with craving fails is not just disappointment from unfulfilled desires but can escalate into fear that even survival-related needs might be threatened. Anxiety about threatened needs is intense and does not easily disappear. Being trapped by this anxiety and pouring one's life into child-rearing is unlikely to lead to a good outcome, contrary to intentions. - p.59~60, from "The way out of anxiety and disappointment: distinguishing desire and need"

Whether due to worries that children should settle down quickly or requests for help or appeals of hardship, neglecting preparations for old age while helping children is like 'putting the oxygen mask on the child first.' Moreover, even if parents provide significant support during the early working years or when starting married life, it is surprisingly common not to receive gratitude in return. If parents who have overextended themselves financially end up economically dependent on their children in old age, it can become a burden for the children. Parents must put on their own oxygen masks first?that is, prioritize preparations for old age?and provide only as much support as necessary to their adult children to prevent both from falling into dangerous situations. - p.114, from "How far should financial support go?"

Many parents believe they know their children better than anyone else. This is both true and false. It is natural if the child is seven years old. When visiting a pediatrician, doctors ask both the child and the parents about symptoms but trust the parents' words more. As children enter their teens and close their doors to create their own worlds, parents become less aware of some things, but they still know their child's constitution, habits, and personality better than anyone else. Even if there are unknown parts, parents do not think they do not know their child well because they know other parts well.

If you assume you knew 100% about your child at age seven, you should think you know less than 40% after their twenties. However, most parents believe they know at least 70% or 80%. This misconception arises because children do not reveal their entire world. - p.129, from "The mindset needed for a good relationship with children"

The young adult began to see their parents from a different perspective thanks to their growth while working at a company. Over the past year, the young adult spent long hours with adults other than family for the first time after joining the company. Naturally, they began to compare these adults with their family, and their parents' everyday behaviors, speech patterns, and mannerisms stemming from their personalities started to stand out differently. Things once considered normal and ordinary became uncomfortable after starting social life and sometimes felt disrespectful. As these discomforts accumulated, every word and action of the parents became irritating, and eventually, conversations with parents decreased.

The young adult said their symptoms worsened because they felt emotions similar to when they had depression, but I saw this as a sign of desirable growth. From a growth perspective, the young adult's concerns become clear. The discomfort with parents' words and actions that were previously unproblematic is the result of a rapidly expanding perspective. Before joining the company, the parents, whom they had seen since childhood, were the standard for adults, and the family standard was their own standard. However, after entering the company, they spent time interacting with unfamiliar adults, observed others to adapt, understood and partially accepted others' standards, and created their own standards. This is a milestone of becoming an adult and should be interpreted as a sign of social maturity. The young adult did not suddenly become sensitive but is going through the process of growing into a mature adult by stepping outside the family fence and forming relationships with others. - p.137~138, from "Why becoming prickly to parents' words: changes in the strike zone"

Taking care of grandchildren is both for our family's happiness and a valuable help for children to maintain social status and careers. However, if it becomes a parental duty that threatens the parents' future, alternative ways to care for grandchildren must be found. If parents' health deteriorates to put oxygen masks on their children first, it becomes a greater burden than childcare for the children, and if children struggle, the grandchildren are also at risk. When warning signs appear, rather than pushing oneself to endure a little longer, it is wise to say, like putting on an oxygen mask at the right time, 'I think it will be difficult to continue caring for the grandchildren.' This is adult wisdom. Carrying the stress of difficult grandchild care with a sense of responsibility and duty until burning out is not healthy; it is about recognizing limits and drawing a line by saying, 'This is as far as I can go.'

Grandchild care can be a happy turning point in life, but it is sad if parents sacrifice themselves and wear shackles in old age while caring for grandchildren. While keeping an open heart for children and grandchildren, it is important to carefully observe one's own limits and consider ways for the whole family to be safe and happy. - p.216~217, from "Grandchild care: happiness or shackles in old age?"

What mindset is needed in middle and old age when children leave home? The first effort is to change the balance of weight between children and oneself. If you have lived with a 'children 70, me 30' balance, gradually increase the weight you give to yourself and adjust it to about 'children 30, me 70.' Changing the balance prevents the energy poured into children from losing direction and allows you to live a life for yourself, breaking free from child-centered thinking. Realize that the 'results' of child-rearing are not the most important measure to evaluate your life, and evaluate your life based on what you have achieved, your values, and your choices. Only then can you face an empty nest while maintaining a healthy self and sufficient self-esteem. Although reducing the proportion of children in your life and mind may feel unfamiliar, it is the direction of a healthy life.

A 'bucket list' is a practical way to focus on yourself. Organize what you have postponed for childcare and make a list of things you can achieve from now on. It can be anything: hobbies you wanted to learn, places you wanted to visit, things you wanted to try. It is also a good idea for couples to make the list together with the mindset of slowly achieving and revising it over the next 10 or 20 years. Achieving the bucket list together can also help untangle emotional knots tied up while raising children. - p.234~235, from "Graduated parenting, now let's find happiness in my life"

Psychology for Adults Raising Adults | Written by Haji Hyun | Banknamu | 284 pages | 18,000 KRW

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