[Namsan Ddalggakbari] Oprah Winfrey's First Question for Healing Trauma

[Asia Economy Reporter Seo Mideum] One Sunday morning. A young girl receives a “command” from her grandmother to draw water from the well pump behind the house. It’s not a difficult task. But when she playfully puts her finger in the water, she is severely beaten. “My grandmother made me lie face down and beat me so hard that my skin swelled.” Blood oozed out, staining the stiff cloth with crimson blotches... This is the childhood story of Oprah Winfrey, the host of the all-time highest-rated talk show, ‘The Oprah Winfrey Show,’ watched by tens of millions in over 140 countries worldwide.

Born to an economically disadvantaged single mother, Winfrey spent her first six years growing up under her grandmother’s care as a “child who smiled even when beaten.” She was always lonely and felt she was merely a burden to her parents. The “sense of not being loved” became a trauma that permeated Winfrey’s life.

According to trauma expert Dr. Bruce D. Perry, negative experiences and stress, big or small, during childhood can have a profound impact on a person’s life. It prevents them from establishing standards for their own worth and entitlement, suppresses their desires, and makes them conform to others. When faced with difficult challenges or uncomfortable situations, they habitually avoid them and struggle to form or maintain relationships with others. It took Winfrey half her life to break free from these tendencies, and the book “What Happened to You?” is a dialogue between the two about this journey.

The book condenses their intense discussions on trauma, the brain, healing, and resilience into ten processes. It introduces topics such as ▲ how trauma operates in our bodies ▲ the various personal experiences that cause trauma ▲ the history of trauma passed down through generations ▲ the brain’s coping mechanisms against threats ▲ what is needed to build resilience ▲ how vulnerability increases in an age of isolation and disconnection ▲ and ways to transform trauma wounds into wisdom.

Dr. Perry argues that before diagnosing people, we must first look into how their life experiences have affected their brains?in other words, their life history including relationships. As the book’s title suggests, we need to ask, “What happened to you?” He says that through this question, we can find the causes and solutions to problems appearing in someone’s behavior and mind without blaming the person. Only then can we rescue ourselves and our loved ones from a hellish state of mind...

Understanding trauma is very important because it explains why people might suddenly explode emotionally or exhibit problematic behavior for seemingly no reason or over trivial matters. Like Mr. Roseman, who screams as if returning to the trenches during the Korean War upon hearing a motorcycle engine, or Sam, who unconsciously rejected a teacher because she smelled like the cosmetics his abusive father used.

Once the cause of trauma is understood, the next step is to build resilience. This means restoring balance to the body and mind, and the answer lies in human “connection.” In fact, moments of genuine connection are extremely small and everyday. Eleven-year-old Kate counts “sharing cereal with her dying mother at 2 a.m.” as her most cherished memory during the months spent with her mother before her death.

The important thing is the experience of being loved. If one has never been loved, the neural networks for loving do not develop. Fortunately, “the ability to love can be developed through practice and use, and even those who have never been loved can become loving people if they receive love.” This is also linked to the creation of resilience.

Challenges are an important factor in the growth of resilience. Sometimes “shock therapy,” which excessively exposes one to stimuli to dull the senses, is used, but this carries great risks. The two authors emphasize the importance of challenges that are “just the right size.” Winfrey says, “Stress should be just the right amount, and there must be a safety net to protect the child as they overcome challenges. In an environment where a child feels loved and safe, they choose to step out of their comfort zone.”

The process of recovering from trauma is long and painful. But the authors stress that it can become a process of building one’s own fortress and capabilities. “For those who have survived adversity, there comes a time in life when they can look back on those experiences, learn from them, and grow.”

Although Winfrey has comforted and inspired countless people, she did not know what to say when her mother was dying. In the end, she said nothing and turned away. But healed trauma turned her steps back, and she freed her mother from past guilt by saying, “I am okay. So now you can leave knowing that I am okay.”

The two authors hope that this book, which contains warm comfort and cool scientific advice, will be a reassurance of “It’s okay” to those struggling with broken hearts.

What Happened to You? | Written by Bruce D. Perry & Oprah Winfrey | Translated by Jeong Ji-in | Bookie | 424 pages | 18,000 KRW

This content was produced with the assistance of AI translation services.