[The Era of Being Single] Life of a 40s Middle-aged Person, Between Freedom and Loneliness

⑭ Unmarried People in Their 40s Entering Middle Age
Stage Where Anxiety About Aging and Old Age Begins to Sprout
"Marriage Prioritizes Cost, Unmarried Life Enjoys Utility First"

Editor's NoteIn a world where marriage is not mandatory, encountering those who choose to remain single is no longer an unfamiliar experience. Who chooses to remain unmarried, and why? The issue is not only the societal prejudices surrounding singlehood. There also exists a vague admiration toward it. We examine the pros and cons of the so-called 'single life.'

The twenties and thirties spent as a single person might be exhilarating. The problem lies in the life that follows. Youth comes equally to everyone and eventually passes. One day, we grow old, become ill, and end up alone. Understanding this intellectually and experiencing it firsthand are entirely different matters. Aging is a natural process, yet at some point in life, it becomes a poignant realization that startles us deeply. But is the anxiety about aging a hardship experienced only by singles?

The image of singlehood portrayed in the media is glamorous. After work, one leisurely exercises or enjoys leisure activities, relieves stress by shopping on weekends, and goes hiking or camping in the suburbs.

Of course, there is financial ease that naturally comes with marriage, such as housing and living expenses, but singles are free from burdens related to caregiving, childbirth, child-rearing, and family-related events like holidays, birthdays, and ancestral rites. Excluding the time spent at work, the remaining time can be peacefully invested solely in oneself. This is why many people admire singlehood.

However, as one enters their forties and middle age, the life of a single person changes somewhat. Signs of physical abnormalities begin to appear. Areas that were once painless start to ache, making one keenly aware of aging.

For 43-year-old single man Junho Cho (pseudonym), this was the point when he began to feel anxious about the future. Cho said, "Last year, I developed presbyopia. Suddenly, I couldn't see my phone clearly, which was quite unsettling," adding, "Recently, I have distinctly felt the decline in various bodily functions, but presbyopia felt like the final blow. It felt like my body had officially entered a downward spiral."

Cho, a civil servant, lives as a single person 'somehow.' He never explicitly decided not to marry, nor did he feel obligated to do so. As his friends gradually got married, he witnessed the preparation process up close. Cho could not answer positively to the question, 'Is marriage the life I want?' In his late thirties, he became anxious, thinking, 'If this period passes, I might want to marry but won't be able to,' yet he remained single.

Now in middle age, Cho rates his single life as '70 out of 100.' He said, "Overall, I am satisfied, but I no longer have the 99% certainty about singlehood that I once did." Cho defined marriage and singlehood as follows.

"I feel like marriage requires paying the cost upfront, while singlehood allows you to enjoy the benefits first. In marriage, you fight a lot during the honeymoon phase and go through the long tunnel of parenting and education, but you gain a reliable support system in the form of a spouse and children. Singlehood lets you enjoy your youth, but ultimately, you have to bear an uncertain future."

Having experienced COVID-19 recently, Cho also felt a great anxiety he had never encountered before. He said, "I was sick alone for several days. Being ill was one thing, but I also worried about what I would do if this happened frequently in the future, all by myself," adding, "After all, singlehood is a choice, but every choice comes with an opportunity cost. I think I have enjoyed the benefits of being single so far, and now I am at the beginning of paying the cost."

According to Cho, singlehood is not a simple and comfortable life that can be defined as 'a cool life living alone.' Just as everyone experiences anxiety about aging and old age, singles also go through these processes.

There are quite a few middle-aged people living single lives like Cho. According to the 2021 Population and Housing Census, among all single-person households, those aged 40 to 46 numbered 2,697,716, accounting for 37.6% of all single-person households. Furthermore, according to the 2020 Family Status Survey by the Ministry of Gender Equality and Family, 52.9% of people in their twenties and 42.7% in their thirties agreed with living alone without marriage.

Middle-aged singles already constitute a significant portion of the population, and many intend to live single in the future. It means that many people choose singlehood as a lifestyle for various reasons, making it inappropriate to categorize singlehood as a minority case.

Kim Hee-kyung, author of , who explored middle-aged single-person households, pointed out that singlehood is considered a minority in Korea, and especially middle-aged singles are not mentioned in discussions about single-person households, emphasizing the need for serious approaches and measures. The single population will continue to grow, and they will face various problems and situations throughout their life cycles.

Kim is concerned that prejudiced views toward singles still exist in society and cause conflicts. She questions whether some people make hasty decisions about singlehood based on vague admiration without serious consideration. Questions like "Why don't you get married?", "Aren't you lonely?", and "Won't life alone be lonely as you get older?" are common for singles.

Regarding the gaze toward singles, Cho said, "If you take responsibility for the consequences of your choice and live with it, that's all there is to it." He added, "Usually, when people don't trust someone's choice, they criticize them as immature. But choice is a process," and "just as my attitude toward singlehood has changed from the past, choices are processes whose meanings and outcomes vary depending on circumstances. Even if it is an 'immature' choice, through such wavering, one eventually finds their place."

Elderly person walking, back view. [Image source=Yonhap News]

Cho's words offer a realistic reminder that the life of a single person is not always happy, while also implying that one must choose, decide, and take responsibility for their own life. In other words, even if one regrets the choice of singlehood, it is their responsibility and not a matter for others to criticize.

Kim Hee-kyung counters negative views toward singles as follows.

"Adults living alone face life tasks that everyone encounters, such as economic independence, housing, forming intimate relationships, emotional stability, and preparing for old age. The reason society views middle-aged singles as vulnerable, abnormal, and miserable might be because it assumes that people living alone in old age will fail to properly handle these life tasks. Of course, that can happen, but the same applies to married people."

Kim points out that viewing singlehood solely with admiration or suspicion, or defining it only as the opposite of marriage, is an overly simplistic evaluation. Singles live in various ways like many others, and it is natural for them to have concerns about old age and the future during that process. She emphasizes that it is the government's role to provide support and backing for this.

However, Cho advises those considering singlehood, "There is no need to conclude too early." He means that thoughts about singlehood may change over time, so careful decisions are necessary. "As I entered middle age, my attitude toward my choice changed," he explained, "because I saw another side of myself that I thought I knew everything about."

Finally, Cho said,

"I respect those who choose singlehood. I believe it is never too late to make a choice when you better understand who you are, and rather, that choice is likely to be the best one."

This content was produced with the assistance of AI translation services.